Worst day of my life. (ACW)

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Rhysis

Rhysis

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WARNING: Adult Content Warning due to the level of maturity necessary to take this post for what it is. This is extremely serious in content and is not to be taken lightly, by any means. ANY public attacks in any manner in regards to this post or the people mentioned in it will result in immediate removal of the post and a warning being placed on the offending party. Advice or simple comments are welcome. If you want to say something derogatory towards the people mentioned here, do it over PM.

I remember that Valentine's evening. We were 17. Young, I know. But it didn't matter. We both thought we'd had love in the past. But in one, brilliant, glorious moment, the two of us were simultaneously proven wrong. As we looked in each others' eyes, we knew we'd found the true and honest feeling of love.

But it still takes work. You have to want it to work more than anything in the world.

My wife and I have been having marital problems lately. But, we've been going to counseling and trying what we could to resolve them. This wasn't the simple "oh well we tried" type of counseling, either. It really was an honest effort on both our parts. And it was working.

Then something changed. I don't know what it was, but according to her, she just decided she didn't want to do this any more. Forget the improvements that have been made, forget the impact it'll have on the kids. Forget everything. She's done. Now she doesn't even want to talk. The part that makes it even worse? She's got a boyfriend, some guy at least 10 years older than her, probably more, from work. She says they haven't slept together. I hope that's true. But they are "seeing" each other. Even more amazing? He's married, too. His wife and I have talked. They're having marital problems, as well. And she thinks he's going to make her happy. By account of his wife, he's a violent cheating alcoholic. He's drunk all the time at home, has broken her arm in the past, and has cheated on her before. And my wife thinks he's going to, by quote of the email she wrote him "rescue" her? Somehow I'm not convinced.

But, despite the betrayal (ironic considering the email address I used to send her an email letting her know I wanted to talk was dream_the_betrayed) and the gut wrenching, soul burning, chest tearing pain she has brought onto me, I still love her more than anything else on this planet.

She says she's not interested in salvaging our marriage. Great timing now that counseling has started to work and it's starting to improve. She doesn't think it's improved enough. It took almost 5 years to get to this point, but she thinks it should change back to the way it was in the blink of an eye. She says the kids will adapt. And they will, but she and I both know they would be a thousand times better off if they have both of us together.

Do I blame her? Partially. But I know our marriage wasn't struggling just because of one person. Do I know what to do? No clue whatsoever. I've tried to convince her to make the effort to save the marriage. She doesn't seem interested right now. I've tried to get her to talk to me so I can at least have a better understanding. Maybe it's too soon for that.

Meanwhile, I feel like my heart has been constricted in a vacuum and is being sawed in two with a dull butter knife.

So there it is. My vent. Take from it whatever you want. I really don't care. I just needed to get it out.
 
Well...um damn. Well I noticed a few things that Seemed to poke out at me as possible issues. You guess her feelings about things in the past, while I can sympathize with that we never really know what's going on in the other persons head or heart. Then you mentioned the counseling and I would have to ask the type of changes she has done via this counseling, or if they have been noticeable and what changes you have made and were asked to make according to the councilor, I need not know the answers but you should examine that point first and for most because if you have made all the changes and she has not then there's something more that is bugging her, if she has made all the changes and you have not then that would be certainly the problem, of course that seems less than likely.

Concerning her boyfriend, that would be my deal breaker, but you and I are different so she's lucky in that regard. I would say that when it comes to her boyfriend you shouldn't be convinced, but its not your convincing that is the goal of said relationship it is a bridge, of escape a worse or better route for her to get her supposed freedom the pain that comes in this relationship means nothing because it can distract her from what ever emotional pain she feels currently. I would also ask if there was ever a time when its just the two of you no kids no job, no friends just the two of you together at least once a week ? Because time together with out outside distractions is a necessity, just as time apart is. As for blame being shelled out while I can understand pain and loss, and how it makes you want to reach out and strangle them, one cannot assign blame in a relationship certainly one may be more at fault than the other but both are in the relationship and thus both bare the weight of its finality.

As for what to do, while I have not been married and probably wont be, I would say that the best thing to do is to ask her what changes have caused her to stop loving to stop caring. Typically you can expect a fire ball of anger from that question but the response is usually that they haven't stopped loving or caring and then they will tell you what's wrong in great detail, often times it may feel like having someone gut you with a sun dried human tongue. None the less if you want to know what's wrong and how to fix it that would be the route I would suggest. Although the ladies of the board may have better suggestions.
 
Vent all you need Rhysis, at this point it is probably the only thing you can do to make things even a small bit better for yourself.
..My only advice is that you don't vent to her, it wont make it better, it just might make it worse or be used against you at a later date.
Vent here, vent in my pm box if you'd like..Say all the things you need to say in the way you need to say them. Don't hold them in because that will bottle the rage and hurt tell it comes out at the wrong time in an unhealthy way. I've got a horriable thing going on in r/l right now , Mith and SJ know, but my ear is always here for a friend, heck we might even distract each other for a breif moment...It's a long road your gonna walk, but your not alone.
 
Both Mith and Sinful are giving you good advice but there is one thing I will add.
Don't believe everything the other wife has to say. She's most likely going through her own hell right now so she will most likely not have anything good to say about her husband. Not saying he's a nice guy, just that shes not going to make him sound like a knight in shinning armor either.

Stay strong, do what you feel you must, and know were here if you need us to listen.
 
It's interesting. The kids woke up, and I went over to my in-laws (how much longer I can call them that I don't know) to play with them. She was out looking at apartments. Our credit sucks combined. It's worse individually. No way can she be looking in any decent area of town for an apartment.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. It's interesting to me, that no matter how much I try, at the moment, (granted this is approximately 26 hours after a bomb exploded in my life) I can't even look at her (I was over earlier to try and talk) without crying. Talking? Worse. The fact that she refuses to talk? I spent 45 minutes in the drive way, came back in for a drink of water, then spent another 20 in the driveway before finally coming back home.

I don't have a whole lot of real, truly honest friends. I haven't experienced a whole lot of crap in my life by comparison of numbers, but the times I have, it's always been huge, so I've had more than my fair share of times with finding out who my true friends were. There's 1 in town. That's it. Yes, church members will listen to me and try to help, yes, her parents are trying to help, but that's not the same. My family is all out of town. The closest ones are 4 hours away. My co-workers are pretty much all too insensitive to give a crap about anyone. There might be one who'll listen. And then there's you guys. You're great, but sometimes you need a face, ya know?

Anyway, I need sleep. I didn't go to work last night and I'm still kinda wondering what's gonna happen to the first person who pisses me off tonight, but I can't go without working. So have fun, all. Don't let me get you down. I'll be back up at some point in time. Just don't hold your breath...even if you're a mermaid.
 
Oh also a big point I over looked don't bring the kids up. They are not the ones in the relationship they maybe in the family but tossing them out as a defense of the relationship is well bad in the extreme. While the children matter to both and are in essence the culmination of your relationship they are children and not ropes to bind that which is falling apart. I think theres something else I may have over looked but its not cropping up in my mind yet.
 
Rhysis...Your welcome to get my number off the contact info in the staff forum..It's not a face, but it's atleast a voice..
 
I considered not posting this, because I frankly don't know if it will offer anything.

My girlfriend cut her marital ties, three children in the balance, to be with me. She came to the realisation that she did not truly love her husband. For her, there was absolutely no going back. It was like an awakening. She would not be near her husband, hated being in the same room as him, communication broke down, and his attempts to reconcile her attention were in vain.

Now I know yours may not be the same scenario, but if your wife knows guilt for her lack of feelings, for a potential absence of true love, that may have bred her desire to endure with counseling. I don't know.

What I can only say, for I was the Devil to a husband's eyes: there's hope, maybe, if it doesn't work out. The kids stay with their mother, with us, and they're very happy. School and keeping regular activites are important. They say if you love someone you can let them go. I don't quite know about that, but your wife might be happy if she moves on. Another point: my lady's former husband is also happy, because he has just re-married. The kids go across and stay every other week or so, but they still keep smiling.

Actually, they have the best of both worlds, the buggers. Twice as many birthday and christmas presents, and a lot of spoiling on top.
 
Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I may still take some of you up on offers of assistance. I'm not sure. Silver, given my present situation, my view of you has somewhat, and I stress somewhat, changed. I doubt it will remain that way forever. Especially considering my situation isn't quite the same. I got the cliche, "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." It's strange that I always understood that line. Then it was actually used on me and I see it for what it truly is, and it does NOT make sense.

Anyway...my wife and I talked. It didn't result in what I'd hoped it would, a heartfelt apology on both sides and her getting all her stuff together and instantly moving back in with me (I'm an optomist, what do you want?) but I managed to convince her to just go for a temporary separation for now. Granted, things are somewhat complicated by the fact that yesterday she found an apartment and, by judgment of a phone call she got today, she's been approved for it. Plus, so long as the title is "separated" she's not going to stop seeing her boyfriend. But, she's going with me on a family vacation the second weekend of June. That's when we're going to try and pick things back up again, so there is still hope. I pray with everything I have that it works.

I'll keep you posted.
 
I'll be on messenger if you want to talk there my friend and if all else fails here works too.
 
Maybe my vision is too clouded to see this clearly. What do you think?

She's making plans for when she's going to be coming over here to get her stuff. (Yes, she's still moving in to the apartment.) She's making plans for what we're going to do with the one vehicle which she primarially drives which is in our name, and the one vehicle which I primarially drive that's in her father's name. She's not talking to the closest friend she had before this started who would probably have more than a few words advising against her current course of action, She's borrowing money from her boyfriend to get gas in the vehicles, and her mother isn't even attempting to pretend like she's neutral. She supports the divorce decision 100%.

But we're supposed to be only separated and will try to work it out in a little over a week? Why do I get the feeling I'm in for another massive wave of pain? That should be interesting since my heart, the actual organ, physically hurts...still.
 
Your not going to want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyways.
It's going to get worse long before it gets better.
If you ask me, I think it sounds like your wife is having a mid-life up heavel. I hope she comes to her senses and trys to work things out with you. If not, well I know this sounds like a line, but it is the truth...Life does go on and there is something more out there for you then just heartache and pain...
Be strong, don't push subjects with her, but don't get walked all over either.
I wish I could fix the pain for you, but all I can do is offer you a hug and a shoulder..and an ear..
 
Edit: (Pretty much a vent post.)

Orig. Message:

Or quarter-life, as the case may be?

It's an odd combination of anger, betrayal, sadness and dread that's been washing over me lately. I've had second degree burns from scalding water, had a large tattoo put directly on a muscle, had various portions of my body wounded badly enough to need stitches...hell when I was four I fell into an air conditior and almost lost some toes over it...I never thought anything could hurt this bad. By now I probably sound like a pathetic wimpering baby to some of you. Frankly I don't care. Switch places with me for a day and see how you feel. Better to have loved and lost? I agree with K on MIB. "Try it." The crushing pain has been non-stop for a week, and it's got a long way to go before anything improves.

The closer someone is the more they can hurt you. Maybe I was foolish for letting someone get so close. At least I got two kids out of it, although today I had to explain to my THREE YEAR OLD daughter that having a husband and a boyfriend at the same time was wrong. She may not understand all the implications of both titles, but she knows each has some amount of affection attached to it. Whatever. I'm pretty pissed off at the moment. Pissed off from being pissed on...ironic.
 
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Keep Venting here, it'll help you to not vent in r/l. Venting in r/l is not good should this (and I hope it doesn't) go to court.
 
Rhysis said:
ANY public attacks in any manner in regards to this post or the people mentioned in it will result in immediate removal of the post and a warning being placed on the offending party. Advice or simple comments are welcome. If you want to say something derogatory towards the people mentioned here, do it over PM.
Click to expand...


That line has prevented me from posting to this for some time. But I've reached the limits of my patience. You posted this in public, so deal with the full extent of public opinion. You, even as a Senior Mod, don't have the right to censor me for this, so suck it up. Warn me all you want. I don't give a shit.

A) Your wife's boyfriend is a cheating bastard of an asshole.
B) Your wife is a debaucherous tramp, and probably a promiscuous slut.
C) You are pathetic and sad.

Starting with the boyfriend, this guy is married, and he's dating another man's wife. He's married, so he's cheating on his wife. Thats bad enough right there. But then, he goes after a woman who's already spoken for. This man needs to have his kneecaps broken, and his ankles hobbled. What kind of asshole can honestly do this and still think of himself as a man, let alone any kind of decent human being? I hope this fucker gets hit with a god damn semi.

Your wife, at much as I hate to say this to you, is probably lying about not sleeping with him, although for the moment, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and restrict her to the title of debaucherous tramp instead of promiscuous slut. At the very least, she is being honest about her relationship with this other guy, and not doing it behind your back, only to leave you to walk in on them mid-copulation in your own goddamn bedroom, or find them kissing in some restaurant where you usually take her for dinner. No married person should be out on the prowl for other companionship until their marriage is ended. Thats all. There are no exceptions to that rule in my book, and your wife, by violating that sacred trust, qualifies as a tramp. You should be happy that she's gone, because if it didn't happen this way, she would've probably ended up cheating on you directly.

You, are sad and pathetic, and I honestly feel bad for you. I may not have the fondest of feelings for you, but you certainly have done nothing that I know of to deserve this. I truly wish I could do something to help you, but in reality, there is no way I could. At this point, all I can do is be honest with you, and tell you that you are probably better off without this sorry excuse for a woman. My advice to you is to do whatever you have to in order to kill whatever feelings you still have for her, and find yourself someone who is deserving of your companionship and love, and cultivate new feelings for that person.

Something similar happened to me, although not with kids or marriage, so I won't bother trying to say 'I understand how you feel'. People may come up to you and say 'I know how you feel' but they are lying sacks of shit, and there is no way they could know. Your pain is your own, and its probably all you are going to be left with for awhile. But regardless, you are probably going to go through living hell in your immediate future. I'm sorry that you have to go through it. Accept it. Cope with it however you have to. You probably won't even be able to jerk off for awhile without breaking down into tears, but once you can, watch lots of porn, get yourself back to some sort of balanced state and start over. You are about to be smashed into an infinite number of broken jagged pieces. Use lots of caution when you start putting yourself back together.
 
I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I don't know from personal experience. I don't know if things will ever feel like they're better to you. But, I do know that you seem like a good person. And I also know that your in-laws seem to love you. My advice doesn't have much to do with your wife or a possible divorce because I honestly don't really know what to say to that, having never been through it myself. But, you should keep contact with your in-laws. They seem to genuinely love you for you and it's not very often that you meet people like that. Even if your wife is throwing away all you have, at least you know you still have people who care. Including all us internet weirdos who are faceless. If you need someone to talk to that you don't really know, I'm around. Sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger how you really feel than to tell a person you know really well.
 
Once again, I appreciate the gesture.

Madi, thank you for attempting to defend me, but like I said, I don't care. I can take whatever he can dish out, even now.

To SJ and anyone else who feels similar to him,

Mith already put out the warning, so I won't bother. I didn't say don't sent hate messages, I said do it over PM. But, since since I know there's at least one person who shares SJ's view, I will post this in public. If you want to respond, do so, as was instructed twice already, via PM.

One, I did post this in a public forum, so I should be willing to hear the public view. However, the same applies to all. I will not, as was so elegantly worded "suck it up". I don't care if, wheter you're willing to admit it or not, my display of emotion embarasses your manhood or strikes too close to a feeling you've repressed for too long. Don't assume that your hard-heartedness applies to me. I will take any actual advice into consideration, and have done so on multiple accounts already, but dont' presume to tell me how to personally react to the situation. You may understand, but you don't know how I feel. I don't wish that anyone eill ever actually KNOW how I feel. So if you don't know that, then you don't know how I should respond to my own feelings, now do you?

If me continuing to write about thsi is making you feel uncomfortable, then stop reading it. The only actual human interaction I get is my children and the morons I work with. Even if they were old enough to talk seriously with, the children don't need to be involved any more than tey are by default, and the idiots at work are no more helpful than the attacks on the people involved in this. I don't have any way to talk to someone face-to-face, save one day a wekk. The few people I COULD talk to about this in person have schedules that conflict too greatly with mine to do so successfully. So I do it here, because I've seen the results of repressing your anger and hurt more than once. It's never good.

Now...to post something actually ON topic, and relevant to the rest of you, however few that may still be. I find myself thinking of what-if scenerios in both cases, which only really started happening yesterday. Before that it was more of 'When we get back together...' sort of stuff. On some leve, and not even a very deep one, I'm pretty sure I still refuse to believe that divorce is a possibility. I see things around the house that remind me of something that happened just a short while ago, before any of this started, when, apparently, we both were still trying to make it work, and they probably have a lot to do with it. There are still real estate brochures for the houses we were looking into buying on the counter. As a matter of fact, there are aplans written out for a date sitting on the kitchen table. Then of course there's the family picture...and the wedding photo...yeah. It's hard to know what to think when I see them. I usually just try not to look at them. I haven't brought myself to move them, yet. Actually, I just managed to change the setting on the fan in our room a couple days ago. We usually kept in all the way up to provide steady background noise that would drown out the kids while we took turns sleeping. Well, there's no taking turns now, and the kids aren't in the house all the time. I know, it's so small a thing it shouldn't matter, but it did matter, because it was something that was in place because there was an us. For right now, at least, it's just me, and it's almost impossible to cope.
 
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