forgiveness

Forgiveness, something I thought I had done.
Forgiven you for all the hurt and pain you put me through.
As I sit alone, I recollect, as I review each memory that comes to mind.
I haven't forgiven anything.
I have pushed it aside, buried it deep and said that it doesn't bother me anymore.
When in fact it is like a cancer eating me from the inside.
As I face the reality of this knowledge, all the pain and feelings come back hitting me with a force that I in my ignorance, have not expected.
Hurt, hurting, pain ebbs from the sore like an open wound.
This had to be done, and yet, I don't want to face this festering sore. Letting the scab heal only to have to pick it open at a later date.
To sort through all these old emotions only to find, I hate you.
Simple clean and yet so complicated. Pain becoming hate.
I cling to the hate, the anger, the fear.
Now, in my mind, I know that the next step is to let it go. let it go, let go of all of it.
Only then can I forgive.
Only then can I move on to a wholeness, a more complete me.
The question is, do I want to?
 
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